Chapter 6 – Darling Be Home Soon

“It will be good to get back out West. Somehow, there I feel the spirit follows me and I melt into the environment.  That is why, Eric, we gotta get out of this place. I know in my heart there is going to be a next time for us. There is going to be a second chance for our two wandering souls. Even if you and I wind up missing each other this go around, the tide of will return. And always, it is forever like the Pacific’s waves in continuous, rolling motion. We have eternity to make things right. And if not today or tomorrow, then someday. As I write this letter today, like any other day, I ask that you love me and picture me in your thoughts for I will continue to do the same. My words are only poetic verse. They barely scratch the narrow translation of my true emotional language. What I cannot place into words I phrase in physical connections. It is certainty which has focused my pursuit while our love has guided me passed the doldrums of my past. Eric, you are the greatest of all gifts. You are the light which looks ahead. You are the closest and dearest person I know and most of all: you are the love of my life.”

Early January of ‘74. I left for State without seeing Jenny. She’d already split. There was a note stuck in my car door:

Eric,

            I’m sorry about the other night and for not saying a proper good-bye. We probably wouldn’t get a chance to anyway. I’m going back to L.A. with many burdens and sorrows. Going back alone is my greatest regret. No matter what, I will always love you. Nothing will change my feelings or alter my heart. If you come to see me, you have Nathan’s phone number. If I wind up leaving his place, I’ll give him my forwarding information.

            Be safe and take care of yourself, my darling man. Don’t worry about me. I’ll have the Holiday People to keep me company.

Always loving you,

Jenny

The note was viciously short. Maybe she left it that way because she thought she’d see me again? Maybe she was that upset at me? All I knew was I had a long journey ahead, no love from anyone, and a head full of trouble.

I sunk inward and blocked everyone out. Skinny, Chuck Obermeyer enlisted in the U.S. Army and most of my buddies went to school elsewhere. Only a few remained in town and each one asked the dreaded question of what happened and why was I back. Mom and Dad acted like nothing happened and never mentioned the girl I wanted to be with. It was a dead topic to them, as they also treated the issue of Sam the same way. So, from January to May, I sulked. More than likely, it helped my grades because going to school was the only escape from the ugly reality of home life. The good grades were only expected now, no signs of “way to go there!” Not like the old days.

As often as I could, I gathered up a ton of coin and called Jenny at payphones. She never called my house for fear the aggressors would pick up. In her voice was a sad desperation, but she never openly admitted it. Being alone in L.A. was her worst nightmare.

“Do you hang out with Nathan?”

“No. I don’t see him but he’s cool with me crashing here.”

“What do you do then?”

“I go to the clubs – the Troubadour, the Whisky, the Rainbow, so on. I’ve met a few people here and there that I spend time with.”

“Are any of them guys?”

“Yes,” in a guilty tone.

Already feeling defeated, “So, it’s over between us, isn’t it?”

“Eric, are you coming out here or not?”

“I need to know: are you seeing someone else?” My voice got louder. Crying came from her end. I guess I pushed it too far.

“No. There’s not anyone else.”

Most of our conversations ended the same way. Things went south as two loving individuals pushed their limits of separation. Frustration won out and we almost ended it after spring break. We had enough but not so that we’d call it quits. Hope still hung in the air. The phone calls remained frequent, but less important. One in April hit me extremely hard.

Jenny vented, “Something inside me hurts. It goes deeper than feelings. It’s in my soul. Everything I’ve ever trusted has turned on me or failed. Everything I enjoy disappears. My favorite musicians, one by one are dead: Jim, Jimi, Janis, Brian, Blind Al, Duane, and now Gram…I won’t keep going. When Gilbert died, it ended a terror in my home, but caused a ripple of instability. Mae had to go out and work which she’d never done before. Because of that, because of all of that…we grew apart.

           The only person I had in my life who meant something and was real was you. You made me feel good, like a human being. You let me express myself, share my drawings, share my music, and though I think we’re different people, we’re meant to be. I regret coming back here. I regret my selfishness and blaming you. I left you and I fucking hate it. I hate it here. [Crying] I hate it all, damn it!”

I waited for her to settle down some, “I know all of this is hard but we’re going to make this work. This isn’t the end. Our life together doesn’t have to stop here. I’m glad to hear you say we’re meant to be, because for a while I thought you had given up on us.”

“Sometimes…I had.”

“You can’t give up. I need you to stay safe and wait for me.”

When the semester ended, I had enough. My bitterness swelled and every moment at home hurt more. The arguments picked up enough that everyday there was a problem and I had to defend myself. No one entertained my notion to be with Jenny. That was not going to happen if they had a say. I’d turned nineteen; it was time for me to make my own decisions. I started by gathering up my belongings like I had last summer. Everything moved into my car in the middle of the night like a band of gypsies. I took less than before because I lost my sense of caring.

I wrote my parents a long, detailed letter expressing my feelings, theirs, and what I felt was right. Many of words were repeated from prior arguments and I’m sure they wouldn’t budge anyway. This was a journey I had to make on my own and despite the outcome, it was my choice and my right. I detailed my distain for their condemnation of Jenny and what a great girl she was. As well, I thanked them for taking care of me, helping me with school, and raising me to this age. However, I needed to fly. With that, I drove alone across the country.

On the first night, I put enough coin in a payphone to call Nathan’s. In an anticlimactic effort, no one picked up. There was no turning back but I wanted reassurance she’d be there for me when I arrived. Without that confirmation, I began to worry. Her safety and well-being aroused my emotions and toyed with my thoughts. It had been over a week since I spoke with her. I never gave away any clues that I was leaving home to be with her. Each night on the road and parked at rest stops, trying to find gas, all seemed a daunting milestone. Time dragged in slow-mo. The trek felt like it took twice as long this time around. By the time I got to L.A., I was exhausted.

Mid-afternoon, I arrived to her empty apartment. Jenny might still be in class. Trying not to doze off, I sat in my car. I purposely parked in plain view, so in case I did nod away, she’d stroll over. At least that’s where my hopeful imagination led me toward. Eagerness turned to sickness. The churning in my stomach was the same as when I visit a doctor’s office. Suspense is a mean old device.

Thirty minutes crept on by ‘til I went out. The seat tilted back at 30 degrees. At the moment sleep begins, I dream, which is typical for me. An isolated room echoed sobbing. I saw myself from about 10 feet away, clutching a long-haired female in my arms. When I stepped closer, it was Jenny. Her head hung back from her shoulders. The other me continued the outpour in hysterics. He silenced and she disappeared. His face grew old, his hair thinned and grayed, and then he too vanished in a whistling of wind.

My eyes opened as a man was standing at my car window, looming down at me. His hand, which was already on my shoulder, pushed me. “Hey kid, wake up.” When I examined with more focused eyes, he wore the oh-so familiar black uniform of the P.D.

“Yes, sir?”

“It’s not safe to fall asleep like that out in the open.” He took a sniff. “You don’t smell like booze. You’re not on drugs are you?” He examines my eyes with a flashlight in the faintness of the setting sun.

“No. I’ve had a long drive and I was waiting for someone. I guess I dozed off.”

“I see you’re from out of state. Just be careful. Don’t cause any problems on my beat.”

“I won’t…thanks.”

            The officer jumped on his bike and sped off. After my heart was given a rest, I fixed my hair and decided sitting here wasn’t working. L.A.’s finest would circle back in a little while to see if I was still here. One more shot. I walked up the stairs back up to the door. My knocks were not answered. Grinding gears and wheels in my stomach rubbed raw in its recesses. “Damn!” Discouraged, going back to my car, I had no idea what to do. All the way out here, not even sure if Jenny lives here anymore. Fuck.

With my head down, my heart even further so, I shuffled back to my car. Still tired, I plopped back into my driver’s seat. The leather squeaking as I did so. Going back to sleep would not be a good thing.

Then the silence broke, scaring me half to death. “Gonna give me a ride, stranger?” A female voice next to me took me by total surprise. I didn’t see anyone next to me when I got in, but then, I didn’t really look either. Recalculating, it was Jenny’s voice, and for a half second I was afraid to look. Could it be her or was I imagining it?

I looked over cautiously, “Holy shit!”

Leaning across the car, she gave me a huge hug. A long “Mmmmm” came out in her exhale.

“You scared the crap out of me!”

“Well then, I hope you have change of underwear on ya.”

I gazed over her. She looked in good health. Her face was glowing with excitement. I took a deep breath, “It’s really good to see you.”

“Same here. I’m really glad you came to see me.”

“I came here to be with you. This isn’t just a visit.”

She embraced me again with another big hug. Jenny smelled sweet with lotions and perfumes. “What about your parents, your school?”

“It’s over with. You asked me who was more important. I made my decision.”

“I knew you were coming. Your parents called here yesterday. Nathan told me they wanted to talk to you if he saw you.”

“Is he going to fink on me?”

“No, he doesn’t care. In fact, he’s gone for about a week.”

My parents stayed in my thoughts long enough for me to realize I was hungry, so was Jenny. “Let’s get something to eat.”

“Good, I’ve got some places to show you.”

Since she’d been back in Los Angeles, she’d got to know more of the area, had been frequenting more clubs, and had a small base of friends she saw on a regular basis. Over dinner, we discussed all the things we had neglected to mention over the phone. The past few months had been more conversation tearing at one’s heart rather than humorous or entertaining or love inspired.

I tried to listen to Jenny, but it was difficult. My daydreaming was locked and fixed on her green eyes. It was so beautiful just to look at her. My body filled with vigor and joy and at that moment I fell in love all over again. When it came time for me to talk and share in the word weaving, I was lost. I had nothing to say of my past few months. I didn’t want to talk about it. Hers had gone well, mine not so.

After all the laughs, the seriousness of the situation came out. My mouth apparently spoke from my heart and let go, “All of my emotions have led me the same direction since the beginning of the year. Every day I thought about us, how I wanted to be with you, how I never felt our love was wrong, but people wanted me to take that stance and I never gave up.”

“I’m so happy you’re here, baby. The past few months have been really lonely. I made some friends because I needed something to do. I mean, your absence has made me realize how much we did together, how deeply we impacted each other’s days and lives.”

Later on, we went back to Nathan’s. The place was quiet, we were alone, and we caught up on lost time. A mix of sadness and pleasure – tears and smiles. We shared each other, laying in our tearful innocence, embraced throughout the night. We could have stayed up talking if not for the trek to California wore me out. Once I cuddled up, I went out like a light. I slept very well, for the first time in months.

Then the phone rang quite early. Whoever was calling was making a point of someone picking up since it rang more than 10 times. Just a touch of light shone through to guide me through the apartment. I didn’t want to answer it, but I knew if someone was calling so early, it had to be important. Unfortunately, it was a voice I didn’t want to hear: Mom’s.

“It’s a good thing you picked up. I’ve been trying to reach you.”

I was still trying to talk through sleep, “Do you know what time it is?”

“Eric, it could be 3 AM for all I care.” She was only a few hours off her guess. “The fact is, you’ve got a lot of explaining to do. You owe your father and me an apology.”

“Mom, I’m hardly awake. If you don’t mind, could we talk about this later?”

“No!” Gee, thanks.

We argued for a few minutes until she hung up on me, which she had never done before. I pulled the line from the wall and left it lifeless. Jenny stood there at the edge of the kitchen, wearing only a t-shirt and panties, staring at the floor tiles she was playing with her toes. Without a beat, she looked up and smiled, “So, what are we going to do today?”

“I just knew my Eric would come back to be with me. I never wanted it to be a choice of me over them, but that is the situation we’re in.

Last year, I could have the pleasure of waking up with him beside me. I could touch him, hold him, kiss him, and know he was real. And I only got that for a short two weeks. Going so long without him, it feels like the first time all over again. He’s here with me now.

And Eric, if you read this, you’re asleep right now and I’m tickling your feet, trying not to laugh.”